Reader Question via Email...
Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at 4:08PM Dear FU,
I am loving the site! So, I have been with "Norm" for 6 years. I'm in my mid-30's and I'm starting to hear the biological clock tick. Norm doesn't show any signs of moving closer to marriage. I really, really love him, but I want to get married and start a family! I'm not so sure that he does. He kind of gives a vague answer. What should I do?
Female Underground
When Harry Met Sally moment... you know... when she's crying on the bed because she found out her ex is getting married. CLASSIC line: "It's not that he didn't want to get married. It's that he didn't want to marry MEEEEEEEE."
I know the other girls are saying discussion/honesty... and they are right... but from where I sit, if he felt about you the way you feel about him, you'ld have the ring already. Guys aren't dumb. What they are is avoiders of conflict. He's content enough: he's getting laid... and it's easier to stay with you than to leave. So, be prepared on this one.
What is it you can really live with? Marriage is just a piece of paper. It's a tracking system for the government. Oh... but the promise and the party and the dress?!!! Do you just want to be married, or do you actually want someone to stand in front of the world and say "I pick you above all others?" That's the big deal... not the paper, right?
Next, if you want kids (which is absolutely beyond my understanding)... then, and ONLY THEN, can the phrase "my biological clock is ticking" come out. I HATE THAT PHRASE by the way, but there are realistic time limits placed on parenthood. (Seriously though, get a pound puppy first and see if you can train and tolerate that first... kids are tougher and you can't LEGALLY give them back if it doesn't work out).
~ Austin.
Female Underground
I'm hearing what Austin is saying... Maybe a little dose of couple's counseling is in order? I know way more than one person who has gotten married to have a dress, a ring, a party... But what you will find out, is that after the party is over, your relationship is essentially exactly the same BUT for the fact that it now takes a whole lotta legal hassle to end it. However, if you've been living together for some time, it is already kind of a hassle.
If you absolutely cannot envision your life without a baby, keep in mind: Having a guy's baby will not make him love you more, it will only make you love him more.
Good luck! Send us an update!
Reader Comments (4)
Hmmmm. That's a tricky one. My initial thought is that you need to sit him the hell down and have this conversation. Yes, it is going to be awkward. Yes, it is going to be difficult. Yes, it might just be the undoing of your relationship. OR IT MIGHT NOT.
I think a lot of women think that the men in their lives somehow know what they are thinking, particularly on these topics. They don't! Usually, they are pretty clueless. I do think you need to spell out exactly what it is that you want and need.
I'm not saying to issue an ultimatum, but you need to get a solid read on where he is with this topic.
Girls? June? Austin? Readers? What do you guys think?
XO, Skyler
I agree with Skyler; first learn where you stand. Coming clean and having an honest conversation beats hemming and hawing around about the subject. You don't always know what the people closest to you are thinking. Second, remember this--when he gives you an answer, believe him. If he says he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids, believe it. Don't take it personally even though it might sting, but you don't have to sacrifice what you want either. Everyone wants what they want--and they deserve that desire. Follow yours, even if it means leaving Norm.
Huggles,
June
I find myself in the same position: mid 30's, live in boyfriend, a "promise" of marriage and kids. I recently exposed my fear of not being able to have kids. I don't know where my fear comes from, other than I was raised by a woman that set 30 as her cut off point. She would be married and have children before then. 3 miscarriages later, I just snuck under that cut off. Thankfully. But I feel her time press. If it were just me, I would be good either way. With kids, without, ehh, it's the same. But I have this guy that I love, who loves me and wants to have kids. Logically, or not, I ask the question.
"what if?"
Apparently that's a bad question to ask a man that wants children. And by no answer, I got my answer. I just don't know where to go from here. We are not at the point of trying to have kids, yet, I'm not getting any younger. I feel the pressure of time, yet I don't like anything pushing me into a decision.
I may lose him. Because by the time he's ready to commit, my time will be done.
Dear Yettobenamed,
Let me add this... I understand your concern and I have been there. I now realize that I made a lot of major life decisions based on a potentiality that was not in my cards. All I say is that as my very, very insightful friend Jimmy says, "Worry is a form of negative prayer." Preservating on this issue is not going to accomplish anything. Life is uncertain and this is a situation that you have no control over. If it ultimately plays out that way and it is the demise of the relationship, well, it is the demise of the relationship. The goal should always be to make the most of what you have at present. Not to linger on the what ifs, particularly those you can't control. Chin up, Sweet Pea.