Online Dating: A Shit Show in 3 Acts

Act I:  You observe that everyone in your social circle is either in a fairly serious relationship, married, or completely undateable for any number of reasons. You think, these people all suck. I've already dated/slept with anyone in this group with a resounding, "Blah." I need a breath of fresh air. Or just fresh meat. (No pun intended.) There are certainly dateable people in this world/state/city, I just don't know them. Yet.

Act II:  You convince yourself (or your best friend convinces you) that the easiest access to a new pool of dateable people surely must be online. Suddenly the ads are everywhere. You overhear the girl at the next table at Starbucks talking about the amazinglywonderfulspectacularandeffinghot dude she met on Match. You waiver. Later, you drink one too many glasses of wine and decide to sign up. Your descriptions of yourself, especially when written when inebriated, are hilarious and fetching.

Act III: You start receiving messages via the website of your choice that appear to be written by third graders, by the elderly, or by dudes just clearly looking to get laid. You contemplate the third grader because that dude is actually 28 and he is BUILT. His inability to add or spell words bigger than "pecs" is a non-issue. You give out your number. You engage in witty text banter, spelling be damned. You agree to meet at a neighborhood bar, unaware said neighborhood bar is actually "Applebee's Neighborhood Bar and Grill."  You show, dressed in your best "I'm not trying outfit" that you spent 3 hours working on. Dude is hot. Dude is also functionally illiterate and likely has a warrant out for his arrest. You contemplate sleeping with him anyway, but decline, until next time.  

RINSE AND REPEAT.

*Not based on an actual experience by the author. Nope. Not it. No way. OKAY, ONCE.

XO, Skyler

How Not to Be a Crazy Person, Part 1 of a Million

If there is one thing that drives me bat-shit insane, it has to be women who think that just because Tall, Dark and Handsome gave them a second look, she is about to become Mrs. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. Now certainly, this is an extreme example, but let's get real because almost any time you find yourself chasing after someone or being pursued by someone there is a definite opportunity to get way, way, way ahead of yourself. Getting ahead of yourself turns off the guy, ultimately makes you miserable, and is generally tacky. So how do you stop yourself from becoming a crazy, obsessed bitch?

1.  Give yourself a reality check.  So this dude was hitting on you. Maybe he got your number, maybe your email. Quit envisioning your damn wedding and contemplating what your kids will look like! Not every guy that shows a slight amount of interest in you is fucking Prince Charming. Your own experience should tell you that. Remind yourself when you start to get all swoony, "Hey, so maybe he thought I was interesting/hot/easy. For right now and until there is significant time passage, it is what it is fucking is. Nothing more, nothing less."

2.  Remember that early-onset obsession and desperation smell worse than a clogged sink in a third-world country. If Hot Guy thinks you are "so totally down" well, guess what? You will get treated like that. Keep your damn cool. You most likely do not know this person well enough to be obsessed anyway. He may in fact have a Dungeons and Dragons habit that is obviously, a total deal-breaker. How's that obsession now? Yup, fixed. 

3.  Keep your options open. So Hot Guy seemed to like you. That doesn't mean Hot Guy has any follow-through whatsoever or that he doesn't have a wife and kids at home or that he wasn't so sauced on tequila that he could remember to unzip his fly prior to peeing. Maybe Sorta Hot Guy with a PhD liked you too. Don't write off PhD guy just because of this other guy.

4.  Stop the stalker behavior.  You do not need to immediately troll his Facebook, follow him on Twitter, or attempt to contact his mother because if she loves you, well, so will he. What if he did that to you? You would think he was psycho and get a restraining order. Amiright? So stop.

5.  Remember. You're fine just as you are. I don't care whether it is your mother, Days of Our Lives, your friends, or Cosmo that have you convinced you are nothing without a dude. I'm here to tell you that is some straight-up bullshit. Find your own passions and hobbies-- that aren't stalking guys --and commit some of this energy to them.

XO, Skyler