Female Underground... The Blog

WTF Wednesday: Part 5

2012-08-29T01:05:47Z

Sooooo... About a week ago, I was asked by Mr. Skyler Right Now, "So what's your 'type' anyway?" ((We've discussed this here previously, 'member?)) Before I can answer he says, "I guess I must be somewhat your type." I reply with, "Oh you mean confusing, needlessly conflicted, and kind of emotionally retarded?" GET THIS... Are you ready? He says, "Yeah, that basically sums me up. It's destiny, my dear."

I repeat and all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Getting Wetter than Wet: The Technique and Joys of Female Ejaculation

2012-08-23T14:46:41Z

Female ejaculation. Girl squirting. Wet climax. G-Spot orgasm. None of the terms for this give any hint to exactly how awesome this type of orgasm can be for a woman to experience. Many women mistake the experience for peeing on their partner. Even among the ladies here at the Female Underground disagree on this experience. Skylar emailed me a single word, “Ewwwww.” If that even is a word!

While Mr. Sometimes, as you may already know, walks on the tame side of the street. Yet things between us turn distinctly interesting in the evening before bed. Let’s just say that at bedtime, Mr. Sometimes wakes up. One of the more interesting things I have learned since we started having sex was this capacity for female ejaculation.

The basic mechanics of it are this—the man should stimulate both your g-spot (the rough, wrinkly spot inside your vagina on the top) and your clitoris at the same time. Somehow, with Mr. Sometimes, this magic stimulation happens naturally—body-to-body contact. As a woman who never had an orgasm without direct manual stimulation, this came (pun intended) as quite a surprise.

Ladies, I’d like to encourage you all today to open your minds and legs to this incredible experience. This liquid/lubrication comes from a different place from urine; so no, you aren’t peeing on him. (Golden showers can be discussed in a later posting.) What are you going to do is experience a release that will make you both hungry for more.

But God forbid you mention it by name! Because seriously, it needs a better name. This is more than getting wet and "squirting" just sounds, well, gross. I’d love to hear your name suggestions in the comment sections.

WTF Wednesday: Part 4

2012-07-25T18:48:00Z

The Scene: A downtown Irish Pub that a group of us used to frequent. When I say "frequent," I mean "FREQUENT." We were there at least twice a week, often more. I hadn't been there in at least a couple of years when I agree to meet a former co-worker there. He and I are sitting at the bar. I am turned facing him, my back to the door.

Man walking quickly past on his way to the back of the bar: Hey Sky, haven't seen you in a while...

S: Oh hey, Matty.

(He is a bartender at the pub and was just coming in to work... A few minutes later, he stops to chat.)

Matt: You haven't been here in forever.

S: I know, I'm surprised you knew it was me, especially since I didn't see you come in.

Matt: I was just getting here, but I'd know you from behind anywhere.

....And that's where what might have been a date ended abruptly.

Married Sex = No Divorce or Bad Sex?

2012-07-20T20:16:20Z

So I was doing a little Internet surfing today; the headline, How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage popped up, and of course, I clicked on it. Ann Bauer’s article, Have Sex With Your Spouse, highlighted something we probably all suspected but wouldn’t want to admit—having sex often helps your marriage last. I had to wonder though--is that true? Should we be trying to have as much sex as possible with our spouse? How much is enough?

Then I read an article by Emily, “THAT LADY WHO HAS SEX WITH HER HUSBAND EVERY DAY MAKES ME FEEL BAD.” Basically, Emily laments how both American Idol and new parenthood have put the kibosh on her sexual life with her husband. But another factor in Emily’s life seems to be her own experience with monogamous sex. She writes:

“Good sex, to me, is something filthy and taboo that you do with a thrilling stranger. Relationship sex, at a certain point, becomes a simple act of maintenance, like scrubbing your shower curtain to prevent mold build-up. It doesn't get me high in the same way, but it's a fair trade-off for true intimacy, like how you get big boobs or perky ones but not usually both. That's just the way it is, I tell myself.”

So this puts a second question on the table—does married sex have to be vanilla sex? Or shower curtain cleaning? Can you still fuck the same man every day and enjoy it? Or do you just need to enjoy it in a different way?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. I, for one, think you can, and I’m looking forward to giving it a try…as soon as Mr. Sometimes gets home from work.

Love & Hugs, June

WTF Wednesday: Part 3

2012-07-18T22:12:15Z

Dude (totally out of the blue): You're the oldest woman I've ever slept with.

S: Really? I'm like three or four years younger than you are.

Dude: Yeah, I know. Weird, huh?

S: It's only weird in that you felt you just had to mention that to me.

Dude: Oh. You're right. That was pretty stupid. (Pause.) Um, are you still going to stay over?

S: Only because I'm not allowed to drive after dark at my advanced age, asshole.

Untitled: 1

2012-07-16T07:46:38Z

Moments before catching the slightest glimpse of his frame, I know he is there. Something in the room has suddenly changed. The electricity maybe. The color most definitely. The entire scene becomes grainy and then crystallizes into a sharp focus. I scan the room, furtively, trying not to show the panic that is rising. Knowing he is there somewhere, but somehow still invisible to me. I can feel him.

The people I am with see my mood change. It isn't difficult, I have gone silent and pale mid-sentence. Unaware of what had silently transpired, worried looks cross the table. "Are you feeling okay?" No. I excuse myself to the restroom, but head for the door. When in doubt, choose flight. Always flight.

As I round the mahogany bar, swarming with beautifully dressed thirty-somethings and a few old drunks, that too familiar set of his jaw and shoulders stops me cold. His back is to me. But there is no mistaking it is him. I attempt to disappear into the crowd. It is too late. He has felt me too.

Keeping a Low Profile

2012-07-15T14:46:02Z

I've been asked recently (I believe as a part of a fishing expedition) why it is that I don't discuss who I am dating/seeing/screwing around with... Actually, I have been asked this directly twice in the last month now that I think of it. After some careful, Chardonnay-fueled, contemplation, I've constructed a list. In no apparent order, here's why I am a fan of keeping my mouth shut and perhaps you should be too:

1. Despite the fact that I live in a city with a population in the millions, this is a small fucking world. If you live in a less-populated area, God have mercy on your soul and your vag. Even when you aren't dating within the "circle" (whether that be friends, friends-of-friends, work, or larger-professional-community) everybody knows everybody to a startling degree. In my (not at all) humble opinion, unless something is really carved in stone, TOO SOON TOO SOON. You're inviting gossip, someone interceding on your behalf, and potentially fucking up your own deal by talking about it. Let it be what it is without outside influences, whether they are well-intentioned or not. Especially if they are not. (We all have that one friend who thinks he/she is "helping," right? Ugh. So not helping.)

2. I like the intrigue. I blame the fact that I was allowed to watch Days of Our Lives as a child.

3. I'm not a big over-sharer generally and you have to really be pretty close to get that kind of personal information. While I will talk about most anything, it is going to be quite difficult to get personal-level details from me. Despite my "public persona" that is quite out about who I am and what I believe in, I am actually quite private. Some of my closest friends would be shocked to learn of certain MAJOR life events that I do not discuss with almost anyone. Like, they don't even know that those things exist. If you are one of the five people who know about those things, consider yourself really fricking special.

4. "So how is it going with The Boy?" <--Most annoying question ever. Maybe it fizzled. Maybe I got bored. Maybe he pulled a disappearing act. Maybe he is obsessed with World of Warcraft or whatever the video game addiction of the moment is. I don't like having to give updates and details, particularly if something has gone South. It annoys me. If things are going well, that just leads to more stupid questions about taking "next steps." Those questions annoy me too. (Am I super crabby? This list is not turning out the way I thought it would. Interesting...)

5. Once you have had a really effed up, disastrous relationship, people don't trust your judgment. Hell, you don't really trust your own judgment (and sometimes with good cause.) If you have publicly had to deal with the fall-out of some relationship with an asshole from hell, people (mostly who are completely well-intentioned) will be hypercritical of your new choices. Along those same lines, you need some time to form your own assessment of this person without outside influences. You need to get your "gut" back. You need to re-learn how to discern someone's character. You might screw this up. If you do so publicly, you will reinforce this cycle of people being "concerned" about your choices. Keep it to yourself. And figure it out for yourself.

6. Why not keep it quiet? I gather enjoy having something that is kept just for me. Maybe I have Only Child Syndrome.

I certainly have friends who are 100% the opposite of my view. You will hear every little detail from how they met this guy to what he wore on the first date to when he called last to how his parents are soooo amazing to his weird tic where he blah blah blah, etc etc etc. You may have the impression I would find that exhausting. Complete opposite: I LOVE IT. I will be the one asking the most questions and debating his pros and cons. I am completely obsessed with the minutae of other people's love lives. However, I have seen how this plays out badly for them. When/if things don't work out, because they have given every detail, it is my opinion that they are more hurt by it because now their private hurt is a more public one.

Maybe that's what this is all about... Private hurts versus public ones?

Which camp are you in? Are you a details, details, details person? Do you keep it on the down low? Are you somewhere in between? Tell me why.

XO, Skyler

Snoopers and Snoop-ees

2012-07-11T21:29:44Z

You are innocently sitting in front of the television, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls, perhaps with a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream (no judging), while LoverBoy has gone to the gym. You hear the ding of a text message, check your phone, but wait. Nothing. Huh. Several minutes later, you hear another ding. Check. Nothing... Briefly wonder if you are losing your mind. Ohhhh, LoverBoy has left his phone behind. He's going to be gone for at least an hour.

Do you:

A) Wonder if there is a bottle of Pinot hiding somewhere, thinking nothing of his phone;

B) Briefly consider taking a peek, but leave it alone and get back to hoping Loralei and Luke get together already;

C) Grab the phone and start reading.

What about the following? LoverBoy has been using your laptop. You click over to check your email and discover you are still logged in AND a message from a guy at your office with the title "Weekend" (which in fact discusses the mandatory company meeting on Saturday morning) is open. It was not open before. 100% positive.

If you are a snooper/email/text reader/reviewer: It's time for a break-up. Sorry. If you are so paranoid that you feel the need to monitor his technology, you need a break from the man and a date with a counselor. Email/phone logs/texts are private and are not your business. Your desire to "just check this once" will never be "just this once." You will do it again. And likely again. The fact that you are doing so is a red-flag that you lack trust in the person you are with. Not good. A healthy relationship has trust as a mandatory ingredient.

Regardless of what you find, this does remain your issue, not his. If he is a lying, cheating, sack of shit with a string of texts with some blonde with big boobs (pictures included), well, you have your confirmation, now get out. But you still need to address your trust issues so that this isn't a constant problem in your future.

*I will give my disclaimer. I have checked someone's phone, but for a slightly different reason. I was involved with an addict and I was concerned that he was making "deals" using a phone that was in my name, paid by for me, and could have landed me in trouble with the law. I felt justified (and probably was) in checking. And yes, I should have dumped his ass long before I finally did just based on his using, however, it was a volatile situation that had to be handled carefully.

What if it is LoverBoy who is checking your phone/email? I repeat, it is time for a break-up. I frankly don't care what you do or do not have to hide. He doesn't trust you. You do not have any privacy. He feels like it is his "right" somehow to look through your personal conversations. Not cool, not okay.

Now I am not saying that the relationship can't be mended in the future, if the offending party actually takes responsibility and addresses his issues. But let me tell you, trust is a hard thing to regain. Not impossible, but definitely difficult.

*Additional disclaimer: We aren't talking about stalking here. I have been a SEVERE victim of a snooper, including key stroke trackers on the computer and a clone made of my phone. If you are the victim of a mild snooper, that may be able to be fixed. If you have been stalked, that shit ain't fixable, no way, no how. Seek help.

Okay, sharing time! Are you or have you ever been a snooper? What about a snoop-ee (the person who was snooped on)?

Gas Station Bathroom & Sex Toys: Perfect Together?

2012-07-07T02:36:37Z

Before you get all excited, this post isn't going to go that way--least not yet. Mr. Sometimes is a tad traditional and likes a comfy bed--but maybe one of these days I'll convince him to break free.

Anyhow! Would you buy a cock ring from a machine like this? Tell me yes or no and why below. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

If I wasn't allergic to latex, I would have totally inserted my three quarters for the Fantasy 6 Assortment.

Love & Hugs, June Sometimes

WTF Wednesday: Part 2

2012-07-04T23:28:43Z

It's time for another What The Fuck? Wednesday installment. Those moments that leave you asking, "What the hell just happened?!"

So a couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with a good friend of mine at his house. We have been at least Friends with Benefits and sometimes a little more for several years. His almost six-year-old son absolutely adores me and has known me since he was a baby, but I hadn't been around him in a few months. I'm sitting on a barstool in the kitchen, Dude in Question is standing on the other side of the counter, and Jr is at the end of the bar telling me story after story like six-year-old's are prone to do. After a few minutes, Jr. says, "Is that Tiffany?" (I'm so freaking shallow, I honestly for a second thought the kid was talking about jewelry.) Dad says, "No, that's Skyler... Uh, Tiffany is someone else."

Luckily the situation and the understanding is such that I thought it was funny, but it was definitely a what the fuck type of moment. Nothing like getting called out by a Kindergartener.

XO, Not Tiffany