Snoopers and Snoop-ees
Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 2:29PM You are innocently sitting in front of the television, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls, perhaps with a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream (no judging), while LoverBoy has gone to the gym. You hear the ding of a text message, check your phone, but wait. Nothing. Huh. Several minutes later, you hear another ding. Check. Nothing... Briefly wonder if you are losing your mind. Ohhhh, LoverBoy has left his phone behind. He's going to be gone for at least an hour.
Do you:
A) Wonder if there is a bottle of Pinot hiding somewhere, thinking nothing of his phone;
B) Briefly consider taking a peek, but leave it alone and get back to hoping Loralei and Luke get together already;
C) Grab the phone and start reading.
What about the following? LoverBoy has been using your laptop. You click over to check your email and discover you are still logged in AND a message from a guy at your office with the title "Weekend" (which in fact discusses the mandatory company meeting on Saturday morning) is open. It was not open before. 100% positive.
If you are a snooper/email/text reader/reviewer: It's time for a break-up. Sorry. If you are so paranoid that you feel the need to monitor his technology, you need a break from the man and a date with a counselor. Email/phone logs/texts are private and are not your business. Your desire to "just check this once" will never be "just this once." You will do it again. And likely again. The fact that you are doing so is a red-flag that you lack trust in the person you are with. Not good. A healthy relationship has trust as a mandatory ingredient.
Regardless of what you find, this does remain your issue, not his. If he is a lying, cheating, sack of shit with a string of texts with some blonde with big boobs (pictures included), well, you have your confirmation, now get out. But you still need to address your trust issues so that this isn't a constant problem in your future.
*I will give my disclaimer. I have checked someone's phone, but for a slightly different reason. I was involved with an addict and I was concerned that he was making "deals" using a phone that was in my name, paid by for me, and could have landed me in trouble with the law. I felt justified (and probably was) in checking. And yes, I should have dumped his ass long before I finally did just based on his using, however, it was a volatile situation that had to be handled carefully.
What if it is LoverBoy who is checking your phone/email? I repeat, it is time for a break-up. I frankly don't care what you do or do not have to hide. He doesn't trust you. You do not have any privacy. He feels like it is his "right" somehow to look through your personal conversations. Not cool, not okay.
Now I am not saying that the relationship can't be mended in the future, if the offending party actually takes responsibility and addresses his issues. But let me tell you, trust is a hard thing to regain. Not impossible, but definitely difficult.
*Additional disclaimer: We aren't talking about stalking here. I have been a SEVERE victim of a snooper, including key stroke trackers on the computer and a clone made of my phone. If you are the victim of a mild snooper, that may be able to be fixed. If you have been stalked, that shit ain't fixable, no way, no how. Seek help.
Okay, sharing time! Are you or have you ever been a snooper? What about a snoop-ee (the person who was snooped on)?
Reader Comments (4)
Skylar,
Well said! I haven't snooped on a current lover boy, but I am guilty of online ex-stalking--ya know--trying to gleam everything I could from various Facebook posts and Linked In updates, the almighty Google. This too is something to be addressed; an ex is an ex for a reason--leave him there and move on.
Hugs, June Sometimes
Yes, I have snooped. And let me tell you...if you go looking for something you will likely find it.
After X and I broke up and his family was telling me about his new love, I looked her up on FB. I really wish I hadn't because it was like twisting the knife in my already shredded heart... *sigh*
I snooped once when I realized his passcode lock hadn't set in, and he was asleep. I limited myself to an open text thread. Turns out he resented me. We're divorcing now. The end.