FUCKTARD: The Definition and the Ranking System

About four years ago, a good friend of mine, Hunter (male, early 30's, a flipping rockstar in many areas... sorry, tangent, stay focused) introduced me to the word FUCKTARD.  I couldn't stop laughing.  FUCKTARD was/is the perfect word! 

I have met and had to deal with SOOOOO many FUCKTARDs over the years and I just didn't know what to call them.  Idiot was insufficient... retarded was too scientifically specific and a bit juvenile (and completely socially unacceptable)... douchebag implied a mean streak, so that wasn't what I was looking for.  There just wasn't a word to pinpoint the sensation of standing face-to-face with a person who was/is "a stupid piece of shit."  Pardon my crudeness there, but without using the word FUCKTARD in the definition, I can't really come up with an accurate description (I do not envy Mr. Webster for this task).  FUCKTARD is a sort of feeling... you know, when someone says or does something and all you can do is look at them and think, "Are you kidding me?"

Now, between the three FU creators, there is a LOT of formal education.  Heck, if it weren't for the release of student loan debt upon death, our children's children's children would be paying off our schooling until THEIR mid-40's... and while I can't speak for the others, I was never taught the word FUCKTARD in school.  More importantly, those mandatory "communication" classes never taught me how to recognize and/or deal with a FUCKTARD in the workplace or life.  I'd be so much further ahead if they had. 

It's time to change all that.  It seems, after some careful consideration, that there IS, in fact, a FUCKTARD Ranking System (FRS).  The details aren't quite all worked out, and input is encouraged, but this should get us all off to a nice start:

• Get a notepad.
• Header:  Name... Date of First Encounter... Hair Color (apparently blondes are given a bit more leeway on the FUCKTARD scale, I don't really understand why, but it appears to be the rule and I'm all about following the rules)
• Put three columns on the paper.  First column says IDIOT.  Second column says ASSHOLE/BITCH.  Third column says FUCKTARD.
• Each time a person says something stupid, give them a tally mark.
  • Five tally marks under IDIOT moves you to the second column.  
  • 10 tally marks under ASSHOLE/BITCH moves you to the third column.   
  • Before returning fire/commenting on what the person said/did, total the tally marks under third column.
  • Upon leaving, or randomly if you would like, exclaim, "CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU'RE A 5TH DEGREE FUCKTARD!!"
  • End day with amusement and enjoyment.

*  Author's note: 5th level FUCKTARD is only an example. Total tally marks in the third column should be used to determine the actual FUCKTARD rank.  

A couple of details on the FUCKTARD Ranking System:

• FUCKTARD ranking  is definitely cumulative.  You don't reset at each new encounter.   No one I know has ever reset their FUCKTARD capabilities, so we aren't going to let them reset there point totals just because it's been a month.
• FUCKTARD ranking is subjective.  Each person must determine for themselves the worthiness of a tally mark.   A more uniform system should be installed, but that means a lot of paper work, and as of yet, we don't have a training system or a way to pay the FUCKTARD call-in center employees.  Sorry about that.  Perhaps we can get a grant and do a blind study to help in creating a FUCKTARD Standard.   Any Grad students out there looking for a thesis project?
• There are levels of FUCKTARDness...  sort of a FUCKTARD Merit Badge Program. 
  • An ABSOLUTE FUCKTARD is the highest level (and these people probably should be shot just on principle).
    • One can achieve ABSOLUTE FUCKTARDness though point accumulation OR without prior marks in the earlier categories (although they no doubt deserve them.) For example, one who tries to punch their elderly mother at Christmas. Instant ABSOLUTE FUCKTARD status.
    • SITUATIONAL FUCKTARD.  Say you are a NINJA level FUCKTARD, but you only act like a FUCKTARD when you eat 4 packages of jolly ranchers and an illicit Percocet that you got in Mexico. Your behavior might earn you a FUCKTARD label, but it is situational and thus, while capable of repetition, is not a constant state of being so it's a soft FUCKTARD status.   SITAUTIONAL FUCKTARDary is a temporary state and may or may not be progressive.  I will have to think about this one a little more.
  • There IS an absolution program to remove FUCKTARD tally points.  It's complicated though.  For example, saving kittens  from impending doom by a freak lawnmower accident would mitigate a FUCKTARD ranking level slightly.  Of course, that's just one potential act/example of non-FUCKTARDness which might be acceptable.   Bottom line though and general rule, once a FUCKTARD, always a FUCKTARD... and once an ABSOLUTE, Non-SITUATIONAL FUCKTARD, there is NO mitigation or redemption anywhere.

There are still some gray areas and things to be worked out... and strategies will have to be developed for how to deal with a FUCKTARD, but I feel a step forward in this area has been made.  When the full handbook is created (and reviewed by psychological professionals for accurateness and applicability), I'm sure we at Female Underground will make them available for sale at the low, low price of $19.95, plus tax and shipping & handling.  

~  Austin

Comments

[Holly Gobiteme]

I'd also like to add a subcategory under Situational Fucktard of the Drunktard. It's self-explanatory, gender-neutral, and does not discriminate based on hair color. Lamentably, I know some Drunktards. Luckily, when sober, most of these people are not anywhere near Fucktardland.

[Skyler]

There are definitely levels of Drunktardedness as well. Excellent point, Hollygobiteme.