Online Dating: A Shit Show in 3 Acts
Sunday, June 3, 2012 at 9:31AM Act I: You observe that everyone in your social circle is either in a fairly serious relationship, married, or completely undateable for any number of reasons. You think, these people all suck. I've already dated/slept with anyone in this group with a resounding, "Blah." I need a breath of fresh air. Or just fresh meat. (No pun intended.) There are certainly dateable people in this world/state/city, I just don't know them. Yet.
Act II: You convince yourself (or your best friend convinces you) that the easiest access to a new pool of dateable people surely must be online. Suddenly the ads are everywhere. You overhear the girl at the next table at Starbucks talking about the amazinglywonderfulspectacularandeffinghot dude she met on Match. You waiver. Later, you drink one too many glasses of wine and decide to sign up. Your descriptions of yourself, especially when written when inebriated, are hilarious and fetching.
Act III: You start receiving messages via the website of your choice that appear to be written by third graders, by the elderly, or by dudes just clearly looking to get laid. You contemplate the third grader because that dude is actually 28 and he is BUILT. His inability to add or spell words bigger than "pecs" is a non-issue. You give out your number. You engage in witty text banter, spelling be damned. You agree to meet at a neighborhood bar, unaware said neighborhood bar is actually "Applebee's Neighborhood Bar and Grill." You show, dressed in your best "I'm not trying outfit" that you spent 3 hours working on. Dude is hot. Dude is also functionally illiterate and likely has a warrant out for his arrest. You contemplate sleeping with him anyway, but decline, until next time.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
*Not based on an actual experience by the author. Nope. Not it. No way. OKAY, ONCE.
XO, Skyler
Reader Comments (2)
I too was talked into online dating by my best friend. I got cops, border patrol, a Kia and a washing machine. Not the physical objects, but experiences on them and/or in them. No thanks. I'll stick to my local pool!
Yeah, but it was funny!