How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex without Being an Asshole

Parents whine about parenting. Almost as much as their children whine about being parented.  You see their letters on websites and in the backs of magazines, even esteemed publications like the Atlantic, asking what they should reveal about their past to their children. Things like smoking the pot or having the sex.  
I’d like to advocate a radical approach.  Tell the truth.
            1.  Sex on prom night in the back of Chevy Nova that smelled like beer—fess up.
            2.  Giving a blow-job in the shag carpeted den of your boyfriend’s parent’s house while they watched television in the other room—tell them.
            3.  Seven minutes in heaven, hickeys that required make-up, used pregnancy kits hidden in the trash can, condoms stolen from your parent’s nightstand? Tell them.

Fessing up works in some magical ways.  A.) You don’t have to remember what lies you have told.  Always easy on the aging brain.  B.) You get to re-live those awesome times with a captive audience that can’t call you a slut and is supposed to love you unconditionally. C.) You will gross out your children so much that they will want to wait until marriage—or maybe even after marriage.

Fun aside, we’ll not really aside, that is one of the main points of sex after all, if we pretend we didn’t do it, our kids will be muttering bullshit under their breath.  They have been watching us and listening to us for years; they know more than you think they do.  If we say, yeah, this is what we did, this was stupid, here’s how protection works, our message will be heard.  Sex sells, people, even in the great birth control and STD prevention arena.  A good story can capture your reader’s attention. 

Denial only makes you look stupid and ruins an opportunity to actually teach them something that could save their lives and prevent you from becoming a grandmother at 40.

--June

Update on Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 3:35PM by Female Underground

Granted, I don't have kids, BUT I am the absolute favorite aunt to a few.  (I'm actually way closer to their age than to their parents.)  I'm having a hard time visualizing how this plays out with actual parents....  I can tell you right now that if my mom ever had this conversation with me, I WOULD HAVE DIED AND BEEN DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, AND GONE. I kind of want to die just thinking about it now and I'm way past the age where I should have parental humilitation in this regard.  

I think this is where the cool aunt is really useful.  Now the parents might want to set the aunt up with some parameters so that she doesn't unleash some story about having a threesome while high on coke and backpacking through Europe... But I think it is probably at least slightly less awkward.  But what the hell do I know about anything anyway?

XO, Skyler

Update on Wednesday, June 6, 2012 at 5:03PM by Female Underground

Oh Dear Lord, who's paying for the therapy?! 

Next you're going to tell me you can't wait to show little Johnny or Suzy the birthing video. 

STOP.  NOW.  PLEASE.  I'm traumatized just THINKING about my parents... ick... doing it!  As far as I'm concerned, I was adopted and they have never seen each other naked!  END OF DICUSSION.

~  Austin.