You know, as in how many people have you slept with?
Tricky. This topic usually comes up at some point in a longer-term relationship and tends to come up among friends as some kind of a drunken bonding moment. My standard response (which I totally stole from Friends along with Rachel's hair) is, "Like, ballpark? Definitely less than a ballpark." (Example #37 of "How to Use Humor as a Deflector.") But what do you say when pressed and that answer isn't good enough?
I recall reading in Cosmo (the source of all great advice, ahem) that the "correct" or perhaps they meant, "socially acceptable" answer was four. Sidenote: This was many, many years ago. My response to that is "LIKE, WHAT, THIS YEAR?" I'm sorry but unless you're my Great-Aunt Ethel who has been married for 61 years, I am not buying that shit. So, now what?
A. Tell the truth, whatever that truth is. Own it. Enough with the slut-shaming.
B. Blatantly lie and divide your number by 4. Or more.
C. None of your fucking business.
Let's face it. The best answer probably is C, but put it a bit more politely. It really is no one's business, including and perhaps especially your partner's, so long as you are being regularly tested and have your STD-Free certification t-shirt on. However, it is an attractive conversation. I would kind of die to know what my friends' numbers are. Not because I'm judgy ('scuz I got no room to judge on this topic), but because it is just interesting. It gives you an opportunity to see how you measure up in something that isn't publically compared all that often. I really don't want to know what my partner's number is though. It might sound intriguing for a second, but I don't want to know. Swear.
If you are looking for a way to minimize your number without completely, blatantly lying, I have some tips:
-Only domestic dick counts. Domestic can mean the U.S., the 48 contiguous states, time zones, states, and I have one friend who was lobbying for residence in the same area code which might be a touch extreme.
-Vegas and vacations don't count at all.
-One night stands, or one-offs, only count as a half.
-There's no "repeat" function. So for example, you sleep with Pete in 2008 and then again in 2012? You just count Pete, not the rePete. (A good way to minimize-->recirculate the stable.)
-Statute of limitations are in play. Last year, since last long-term relationship, 7 years, 10 years...
AND OF COURSE---
-"I don't remember it, it didn't happen."
So spill it. What's your number? Did I miss any minimization opportunities? Comment anonymously if you must, but whatcha got?
Woo-Hoo! I love your math!
Normally I have to answer this question with a number "around" 50 (or 60)... which actually isn't bad when you consider my age and the fact that I've never been married (ie- off the market). It works out to a bit more than one per year. OK... more like two per year if you start when I actually lost my virginity. UG. I hate details. BUT... the way you're calculating... I'm like Snow freakin' White.
I think I'm going to run with this. New Girl Handbook Rules in play. Thanks.
Oh shit. THIS is not a good sign. This is why you shouldn't have this conversation! NEW RULE: Years where you go on a "tear" don't count either. Fffffffffuck. --Skyler